So I'm writing today to seek some advice from my readers.
As many of you know, Tom's aunt Marcia is being sent home Friday with Hospice. She has been battling AAL (a rare form of Leukemia) since July. Prior to that, she battled breast cancer.
Tom and I are now faced with a decision on wether or not we should take a trip to Mass to visit. My thoughts were this: We either visit soon to see her one last time and spend whatever time we can with her, we wait until the funeral and visit the family then, or we wait until sometime next Spring/Summer and spend an longer visit where we can take all the kids and do some fun things, remincising about Marcia. One of the hardest things I'm thinking about is if we visit now, when we walk out her door and tell her good-bye, it's a good-bye forever. (Ok..not "forever"..until we meet again in Heaven...) Not just a normal "good-bye...see you later...". For some reason, I'm really struggling with this thought.
I've known people who have been given the opportunity to say their "final" good-byes to loved ones and they say it's the best feeling in the world. I guess I've only been faced with it once before and it literally took me 3 years to get over it. Marcia is the one person in Tom's family I became close with so it's more difficult for me than I imagined it would be. By nature, I'm not an emotional person. I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older, or that I'm learning it's ok to express emotions, but I cry so easily over these things lately. (NO - I am NOT pregnant!)
As of tonight, we are contemplating leavng New Years Day, taking the day to drive to Mass, spend all day Friday and Saturday there and drive home Sunday. I talked to Kellie (Marcia's daughter who lives there also) and she said she thinks her mom would even want us to stay at their house with them. Yet another thing I'm not sure if I'm 100% comfortable with. Oddly, I wonder, "What if she passes away while we're there"? (Yes, a bit morbid I know...but I can't imagine what would happen.) Kellie is encouraging us to come sooner rather than later as this cancer has been so aggressive.
Then I think, "How do we explain this to Lukas." Andon is too small yet to understand. But Lukas knows these people and has been asking about Cory (their youngest) and when he can see him again. And how do we survive a 10+ hour car ride with both of the boys??? Decisions...decisions.... Not exactly what I was planning to have to deal with over the holidays.....
My question to you is: What would you do?
4 comments:
ok from my experience I think you should go before she passes away. I was so hesitant to go and see my Grandpa but I am so thankful that I did. I used to be so scared of death which don't get me wrong I still am at times, but it is a part of life that we all must deal with even our kids. I always tried to shield my kids away from the thought of death, I told them that our dogs ran away just to avoid the ???. Then your gram passed away and Tyler knew her from swimming in her pool and his rabbit died. I seen that he could handle some facts. Then Todd was killed and everything went crazy. I could not even help myself let alone help my kids but somehow I did. I got some really good kid books on death that you can borrow for Lukas to help him understand. Hailey talks about Uncle Todd and her Grandpa all the time she tells me that they are in heaven, she gets what a 4 year old should get. Its ok to be scared and emotional while you are there, you may be surprised it may help you more than you could ever imagine. Now that tragedy has hit my family full force I now see it is better to deal with all the feelings then run from them. Death is a part of life that affects people of all ages. You are a great Mom Lea you will make the right choice for whats best for your family. I will be praying for all of you. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Love ya, Shelly
As someone who has lived with Hospice in their home, I say GO. Do not wait. Do it now when you can still talk to her and express your feelings completely. She needs this as do you and Tom. Sometimes the best way to get over the fear of death is to imerse yourself in it. Stay there. The mystery that seems to scare us so much will be diluted and you may even feel a bit of peace.
I understand the good-bye part too. Thats a tough one. Some of our closest family visited a few days before my Mom passed and it was weird because it was like they were saying good bye, but still would not admit that it would be the end. I am all about faith and hope and miracles, but it is "right" to say good bye. Still call and write or whatever, but remember that you will be living with the memories made on this visit. Make them be what you need. No regrets.
All I can say for kids is that only tell them what they ask. Do not over explain. Keep it short and simple. Explain why you are sad or crying if he asks. That Heaven is wonderful, but we don't go there until we are done with our work here on earth, or whatever your beliefs are. You may be surprised how well he handles it. Kids are awesome and you are great parents.
Sorry about the book here. I am wishing and praying for her and for you guys too. Keep us posted.
My grandmother was put into a hospice home shortly after Abby was born. We had no clue how long she would be alive so we visited as much as possible. Even when things got bad and she didn't talk too much we still went. We could tell that even though she was weak and couldn't say much, she was happy that we were there with her. I will never forget those final weeks we had with her. They were so precious.
If I were in your shoes I would go visit your aunt now. Make those final memories with her that you will have to hold onto when you are working through your grief. We brought the kids with us several times and just brought quiet toys. They new Gram was sick but that's all we told them.
We'll be praying for you.
Oh man Lea what a hard decision to make...I have not had to deal with death on such a scale as the others who have given you such wonderful advise (thankfully) but definitely listen to your heart. If you don't end up going before she passes away do you think you and Tom will wish that you had after she is gone? I think you will be more at peace if you do go to see her one last time and also she will be more at peace getting to see you, Tom and the kids. I'm sure her daughter is speaking for her by encouraging you to come. Again I am so sorry hear about this. Your family and your Aunt will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Love ya, ~L
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