I've been debating for a while if I should put this post into blog land. But after re-reading my previous post about why I blog, I decided I will. After all, these are my thoughts, my life - the good with the bad. I have to admit - it's not easy for me to open my heart to everyone and spill my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I feel vulnerable..left open for attack and ridicule. However, I know those that are my true friends won't do that and they too experience similar things in life. If I've learned one thing from blogger, it's that I'm not alone. When I read other's shared life experiences, it helps me to realize I'm not out of the ordinary (ok.for the most part) ha! So - here's what's been rolling around in my head lately...my self pity...
I feel that I've failed.
Simply enough said - but so hard for me to admit and even harder for me to see it in type.
I can no longer keep up with my house and all it demands. Basic everyday things such as laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc have gotten out of control. I work all day and when I get home, I just want to spend time with my boys. Easy enough - right? Well...I am not one who functions well in disorganization. When things are out of place, it drives me insane. Lately, there's so many things out of place in the house, we literally cannot find the dang phone. SERIOUSLY!
I've failed at my jewelry business. Not literally, but in my mind I have because I've decided not to renew in February. I simply cannot dedicate the time and put my heart into it the way I want to. Even though it's been profitable for me and I'm using the money to pay for my college books, something needs to give.
I've failed with discipline with my boys. Don't get me wrong - they are good boys. However, there is a total lack of structure at home. Toys, clothes, etc are everywhere and we do things on a whim..not by a schedule. I've been struggling lately with trying to get them into a bedtime routine. Since both of them typically end up in our bed everynight, I find it hard to enforce a bedtime routine. I say they are only little once and I really don't mind them being in my bed. I know it won't last forever. But there's another side of me saying they need routine and to learn it's ok to sleep on their own.
I'm finding it very difficult for me to find balance in my life. No matter what, I'm letting someone down. That doesn't work so well for me. I enjoy my friendships emensely and I take them to heart - every one of them. When I get burned by someone, it tears me up inside like you wouldn't believe. I may not be direclty "burned"..but I know there's people in my life who are different on the inside than what I see on the outside. So to balance my friendships with being a wife, a mom, an employee...it's hard for me right now.
I really do have a great husband. He's helpful and I don't want this post to imply he's not. He does a LOT around here. There are things we've both been lax about lately and it's leading me into a downward spiral. That's another area I'm struggling with - I feel I don't have enough time to devote to him as I should and would like to. We take time to do things without the boys, but not often. Again - a balance thing.
Another struggle is my first born is headed to preschool. I'm not a bit worried about him going or about his riding the bus. He'll do just fine with that. It's really beginning to hit home that my baby is growing up. I have other friends who struggle with their kids going off to school every year. I get it. Again - I'm not usually an emotional person, but this has brought more tears to my eyes than I thought it would. Monday is the big day - he'll be getting on the bus and going to school!
I guess the only thing I feel I haven't failed at (yet) is my schooling. I've got 2 more classes under my belt and managed an A in each one. As strange as this sounds, I actually look forward to going to class one night a week. I guess it gives me a sense of accomplishment and I see the results immediately. I'm proud to say I'm doing it. However, I feel like I'm missing out on time with my family. Another struggle.
I think as women, we tend to feel like we need to do and handle it all: work, family, friends, keep the house clean, have dinner ready, etc. Lately, it's all been piling up inside me and I'm having feelings I haven't had before. I'm struggling with emotions I've never had to deal with. It all may seem very minor to some...but one little thing, on top of another little thing, on top of another..you get the picture. I lost it last night!! I bawled like I haven't done in a very long time. I felt slightly better afterwards...but I'm still struggling.
I have a lot on my mind right now and decisions I'm facing.
I'm turning things over to God to allow Him to take control. Maybe that's it...I just need to learn better when to turn things over to Him....
Well - it's been a long post...and a difficult one for me to put into writing.
I'm not looking for sympathy..I'm simply putting my feelings out there. Hopefully someone reading this can relate and I'll be able to help them realize they're not alone.
3 comments:
Lea, you are not alone at all. Life is a balancing act, I also have a problem with letting things get out of order, I sometimes think I cause myself more harm by doing to much and trying to keep the order. YOU are NOT a failure in anything, like you said you just dont have the time or energy to do the jewelery thing right now, your boys will only be little for so long as you are now seeing. I have made so many mistakes as a parent but I try not to look at them as mistakes, I try to think of them as learning experiences. You are a wonderful mother, wife and friend. I spread myself way to thin at times and neglect the people who mean the most to me, I think we all do at times. I cry over the same things, just because I stay home does not make things any easier, I have to sometimes put other kids needs in front of my own kids and force my kids to sometimes feel last on the list. Its a hard balancing act, you are not alone. Thanks for being so real, and not being afraid to be real. You are a wonderful woman, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. Keep praying you will get through all this. Love you!
Shelly is so right Lea, we all feel overwhelmed and over-loaded at times. Please don't feel like your alone or a failure. You are a wife and mother foremost and that shows in everything you do. Your boys are happy, healthy and loved. You have given them a very fun summer that they will always remember! But after a busy whirlwind of a summer a lot of us are looking around us and feeling overwhelmed at what we see! lol =) I just keep telling myself that I will catch up when its dark at 5:00 and 10 degrees out! Keep on keepin on girl! I have NO doubt that you will come out on top!
<3 ~L
This a post of a mom with children. Every wife and mom struggles with these things. Some are transparent and let you see it and some make everything look perfect to the passerby. We have so much more to juggle and keep in order than our husbands do. That's just a fact. Its ok to let your house go a bit if it means extra time with your boys. If someone doesn't like it they can not visit. Your not meant to do it all and all by yourself. And remember your NOT alone. Most of us women are going through or have gone through what your dealing with right now.
Love ya girl for being transparent.
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